I have read a couple of Posts today from two very nice, interesting people whose work I love to read. They were referring to their Marriage or partnership it appeared, and it made me sad.
It made me feel sad particularly on this evening here in England 20.51, New Years Eve I always find sad, why? I suppose its because its the passing of the old Year, good or bad.
I felt sad not just because of New Years Eve but because it was so clear from what these two people had been saying that they have been fortunate enough to have met, fallen in love and remained happily Married.
Don’t we all when we fall in Love hope that will be the outcome, but perhaps there are the warning signs we choose not to see, we turn a blind eye. Maybe we generally don’t see the signs.
We believe we are in love and indeed one of us may well be, but the other person well are they that good at pretending they love you or do you just say “well that is what he or she is like, they are not very demonstrative.
Thats the crap (apologies if I am too blunt) my Husband used to come out with when I would ask him “do you love me”, he would reply “I shouldn’t have to tell you, you should know what I feel I feel inside” – WHAT?
I remember so clearly the day that Diana Spencer became engaged to Prince Charles (yes that moron), for whatever reason Diana was madly in love with him. This beautifully stunning young girl was in love genuinely in love with Charles, and we were told it was a “Love Match”, we all knew that it certainly was not not on his side. The Archbishop of Canterbury, a lovely lovely gentleman, Robert Runcie, sadly now deceased, asked Diana and Charles just before they took their Vows inside St Paul’s Cathedral were they sure, he knew the Marriage had been forced upon Charles mainly by his Father, he knew that the Royal Family were using this beautiful young Girl for no other reason except to give them an Heir to the Throne of England and hopefully a spare, which Diana did. This self centered individual who only cared for himself, waited on hand and foot from Birth, never done a days work in his life and here he was with the World’s most Beautiful Woman as she was to become, any man would have given anything to have had the love of Diana and she wasted it on Charles Windsor.
The day of the Engagement in the grounds of Buckingham Palace their first interview as a couple was given, Diana was asked by the BBC reporter “are in love ma’am”, she blushed as she always did turned her head sideways as she always did and replied “of course”, the same question was asked of Charles to which he replied, to my horror and to millions of others horror, “whatever love means”. I turned to my Husband and said “can you believe he said that David”, to which my Husband replied “he is right, he is spot on”, I was so upset tearful and asked David “”thats not what you think is it”, he looked at me and never answered.
Many a time I asked my Husband “why are you so hard on me”, “am I” he would ask, “yes you are is it because of what your ex wife did to you, you take it out on me”, David answer to me was always the same “I suppose it is”. My Husband had been Married previously, the marriage was well over before I came on the scene, she had left David for their best friend. David had caught them together. My husband was 30 years older than me and I really should have known better, I had been warned enough, but I loved him thats all I saw.
I suppose I accepted that is how my marriage was going to be, I loved him so much, so very much and in fact grieved for him for 16 years after he died, I was widowed at age 45, and for 16 years I grieved, whilst bringing up two young Sons.
It took a “friend”, a neighbour one day in my house to drop a casual comment, either deliberately to hurt me or innocently because she believed I knew. My Sons believe the first option, I choose the second. In that instant, the grieving stopped immediately and all the love I had felt for him died there and then, I have never gained it back.
I had always suspected something but could not prove it, he denied everything telling me “don’t talk nonsense, you are off your head”, he nearly convinced me but I wasn’t wrong, I was so right.
The hurt was bad, bad enough what he did to me but to his Sons that I could never and will never forgive.
So when I read those two Posts today, I felt sad, I felt somewhat jealous, jealous that they had shared so much as Lovers, friends, Husband and Wife, not just love but everything. Its all I ever wanted but foolishly I put up with it, David would always boast to people two things, “I know Anna will never leave me”, I never would and secondly “the trouble is Anna loves me too much” I always took it as a compliment, but that is far from what it was, he didn’t like being loved as you should, I thought thats what you were supposed to do, but I got that wrong too.
Jack Jones, I felt a very underrated Singer, I hope you enjoy his great voice and this fantastic song. The words, perhaps a lesson we should all take.