Tried as hard as I could last night/early hours of the morning to go to bed somewhat earlier, as I had my appointment the next day at my Doctors. Despite all my hopes, nothing worked it was still 6am before I climbed into bed, listened to my usual music and tried to sleep, but could not rest with the pain in my right leg gnawing away at me.
Eventually I slept, soaked tissue in my hand from crying with the pain, the frustration and everything else. Despite two alarm clocks with loud alarms, I never heard them and did not get up the time I wanted, instead it was late this not waking up until late is making me feel even more ill, more depressed.
I need to see to my home, my garden and so much more but I don’t have enough hours, I certainly don’t have the energy I am drained all the time and as much as I try to force myself I can’t do anything. As a consequence, to be totally honest I feel so lazy, I look around my home and it is not as I want it, I find myself getting angry and crying, and crying and angry this is how it goes, in between taking all the medication I am prescribed. Is it helping NO, its making me the way I am, I think. I pick my feather dusters up and look at them and try to clean, do a bit have to sit with the pain, I hate it I just hate all this, this is not me I have always been busy loved walking, working in the house and garden, cooking being busy and now look at me, I am screaming and screaming inside.
The Doctor is at a loss first the thought of all was Shin Splints, the pain is exactly as described, now its Muscular or has been for weeks, I feel like someone is pulling an elastic rope up and down on my right side, I feel like someone is squeezing and punching me with something solid very very heavy on my right leg the back, from side and it all comes in waves. Like being in Labour, those pains that would come in waves, you just wanted them to be over and you knew that they would end in hours, in my case my two Sons came within an 1 hour 10 minutes and the second 1 hour 20 minutes. But, and its a massive but this pain is coming and going coming and going and no end in sight and no answers.
The Surgery is at the top of my Road, but even so I could barely walk from my gate to the Surgery, I always use a cane because of my spinal problems, but I had to keep stopping because the pain was so much, I had tears coming down my face and as I sat in the reception waiting to be seen I sat there not being able to control the tears because I could not control the pain. Now I have always been someone who could put up with a lot of pain, I have had to but this pain is something I have never experienced and I just want it ended.
The Doctor seemed at a loss, he was pleased the Hospital and Consultant appointment has come through, so am I but May 10, nothing sooner. As I cried, I felt ashamed and weak at doing so, the Doctor said he wished there was more he could do regarding the hospital. What, am I to believe the GPs have no say now re their Patients appointments, do I have to push for a sooner date? The Dr said several times he was “so sorry its as bad as this” and that he wished there was more he could do.
I explained about the sleeping or non sleeping, the pain that is constant and thats all I think about every waking second, Pain. He asked me to take Sleeping Tablets, but I said NO (I have always refused them even when my Husband Died) but he said he really wanted me to take them for just two weeks, I said about these things being addictive and he promised me the ones he would give me were not and there were only for two weeks, I took the prescription. I wear the highest dose of Morphine Patch, now he wants me to add the very small 5mcg Morphine Patch too and when he sees me in two weeks, he will give me more Morphine Liquid – I have been on Morphine Liquid too for the last few weeks – but the new Morphine he will give me will have something added to it, what?
All these medications, but what is wrong why am I am such severe constant pain, is it muscular what are the answers. How did it happen how much longer of this. Since before Christmas I first attended the Doctors about this pain.
The Dr asked me if there was something else bothering me, he felt there was more, but as I cried I told him, all I think about all thats on my mind is the pain and it never ends. I told him that I was worn out that I no longer cared to go on, my Sons were grown they had their lives to live and the age I was, I did not care if it all ended tomorrow. That for me the pain would stop there is nothing to go on for and all I want is to be free from this, he seemed surprised or maybe I am wrong.
He said I must take the sleeping tablets at 9pm and go to bed 10pm. We are just about sitting down to Dinner at 9pm, I don’t know what I am going to do – go on the same way, who knows.
Just before starting this blog, I decided to make the Sausage Rolls, I had promised to make at the weekend and did not for my Sons and “Daisy” our dog, they are still cooking in the oven, smell ok not burnt yet!! I feel slightly better that at least I forced myself to make the Sausage Rolls, thats something at least.
I will try and see if I can get into bed by 5am or maybe 4am, well at least it won’t be 6am. My eldest Son will pick up my prescription tomorrow for those sleeping tablets. I do not want to be like a zombie, I know how the Morphine is knocking me out, so we shall have to see. Two weeks time I see the Doctor again!
Need something like this to make me feel alive, enjoy.