Since early September, there has been such a lovely Lady over at J-Dubs Grin and Bear it site who has been informing us all about Suicide.   September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month in America, not sure if I have heard it here in the UK, but it does not matter does it.

As we draw to the end of September, please have a look at J-Dubbs Grin and Bear it site, she has done so much hard work to make us all aware, and I am grateful to her for that.  If just one Suicide attempt is prevented thats one Life spared a life that can continue with help.

I am sure that there are so many of us who have at times been depressed, very depressed, perhaps even thought you would be better off not here in this World, I know I have.  There is still that stigma here in the UK when the words Mental Health is mentioned, people who suffer are classed as “not normal”.

I know when I could not cope with all the rows from my mother, all the interference in my life, my marriage she virtually ended.   My mother persuaded my late Husband when he purchased a large house by the Sea, that she and my so called sister should live with us.  I argued with my Husband against them coming but I did what my Husband said and it was disaster even before they stepped into the house.   Life and what little freedom I had for the first time ended, when my Boys came along my mother tried to take control of them.  Row after row and I could not cope.

I got depressed I cut myself, to my mother “she’s not normal” was the cry “nothing like that in my family” was another favourite.  When my husband died it got worse, and I never knew a day until my mother died when I was not battling to keep my children from her, trying to keep myself sane.  There is such a thin line and we are so close to being tipped over, its a struggle every day to stay on our side of that line, I know I have been there.   She even threatened to call Social Services on me and have the children taken away, it was such a bad time.

I would feel this Black Big Brick Wall coming towards me then I would hit it and I could not get past it.  I took a knife and from time to time I cut myself, until one night when I rang those wonderful people The Samaritans.  The Lady I spoke to just let me talk and at one point I said I had to put the phone down as my sister was listening on the extension.  The Samaritan Lady told me she would ring back in half an hour, she did and my sister picked up the phone and said I did not want to talk to her, such a liar.  But, the Samaritan Lady persevered  until my sister stopped answering the phone, but I did and there was this wonderful woman to talk to me.

I continued to cut when the rows became unbearable and my late husband took the side of my mother and sister, I was alone I was desperate I had no one, I had my babies but they were told to “keep away from you mother”.  I remember how I would sit on the edge of my bed and just rock myself back and forth for hours on end, cut somehow seeing the blood helped.  When I phoned the Samaritans for a second time I spoke to a Gentleman after a long time on the phone he persuaded me to stop cutting and I did, never again did I cut.  I have the utmost regard for The Samaritans, and in my little notice cupboard on my kitchen wall The Samaritans number is written, I always told my Sons if you can’t talk to me and you need someone ring them.

We should not look down on people because they have some form of mental health issues.  It took a long time for me to accept I needed Counselling, it was what I needed and even though I still harp on, perhaps too much about my past and things that were wrong that happened, there is so much more I have come to terms with.

Some people have had to suffer Rape, Sexual Abuse as a Child as a growing young person as an Adult.  I don’t know how anyone could come to terms with Rape, Rape as a child some would think it would be forgotten but indeed its there with those that suffered it, its with them all their life.  I had an uncle who when we would go on holiday to Ireland to see Family he would touch me, I hated it, I hated the comments.  I was a young girl developing I turned to my mother when I told her she called me “you filthy little bitch you liar”, when I said I would tell Daddy she told me if I did it would kill him as he had heart probs.  There was no one else I could talk to, I would avoid this Uncle when I went on holiday as best I could, but my mother always seemed to push me to him, her favourite brother she adored him.   It was talking to my youngest Son this year about this Uncle, and strange both my Sons did not like this Uncle of mine, maybe they sensed something, whereas I was too naive.  My youngest Son said “that was sexual abuse what he did to you”, I had never thought of that but now my Son said “it was sexual abuse” I realized yes that is what it was.

Did it affect me, yes I believe it did, it made me so shy so nervous.  Sex to my mother was bad. So I missed out a hell of a lot, never had the guts to stand up to her.  When I Married, what did not help was my late Husband rejecting me on my Wedding Night.  I Should never have married a man 30 years older than me, but I loved him and I put up.

Do I still get depressed, yes very much so from time to time, because of health probs because I can’t do any of the things I loved doing, I try but its not the same.  I get so angry with myself and then the wall comes down.

So please, please have as good look at J-Dubbs Grin and Bear it blog she has done so much to make us aware how much help and support is needed for those who try to take their life, for those that have lost a much loved one to Suicide.

On September 30, why not light that Candle again, show a light from a window as a sign that we share the pain.  J-Dubs Grin and Bear it suggested the Candle on her blog, I felt I was not alone.   A Big Thank You to J-Dubs Grin and Bear it.


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