It is strange how the Past can come back to haunt you at the most unexpected times.  We try so hard to forget bad times in our pasts, not always successfully, but we do try.

Last night full of aches and pains I so looked forward to going to my bedroom and sitting down and looking at the tv, in particular one programme.  Here in Britain the name and the programme is well known, it may not be known elsewhere, but anyhow I thought lovely I can snuggle into my chair feet up, all quiet and I can watch “Endeavour”.

Now “Endeavour” is about a young Detective at Cowley Police Station in Oxfordshire, England.  If anyone fell in love with the tv series “Morse” this is the younger Morse.  The original programme “Morse” was absolutely brilliant with the late John Thaw, there was not one episode I missed and I have the Box Set of all the “Morse” they made.  “Endeavour” was the Christian name of Morse, but Morse never used it.  Shaun Evans plays the young Morse and his Boss or Governor Fred Thursday is played by the well known Actor Roger Allam, Anton Lesser is also in the cast.

As I was so engrossed into this episode of “Endeavour” which was so wonderful brilliant acting by all involved and the story, well wow.  It was about the story of a group of then young boys and two young girls, an Orphanage come reformed home and yes you’ve guessed right not just physical abuse on the children by all the adults including a Doctor and senior Police Officers all Masons, but sexual abuse on the children, Rape should I say..

Whilst watching one harrowing scene of a very young boy made to stand in front of these three male adults, the head of the home, senior Police Officer and one Detective officer.  The little boy stood in front of them, wet himself with fear and I thought I cant look at the next scene, expecting rape.  What I expected to happen did not happen.

Instead, all of a sudden the little boy was bent over a chair and “swoosh swoosh” the sound of a bamboo cane and then I saw the cane coming down towards the child.  I was back in the bedroom I shared with my older sister in Ilford in Essex, I was about 3 maybe 4 years of age, one of my earliest memories, I was in the corner between a cupboard and a wardrobe, my arm was held back and I was told I was wicked, evil and this terrible terrible pain on my skin this burning pain on my  lower back/bottom and the back of my thighs.  “Swoosh, swoosh” that sound of the cane.

I couldn’t see the tv I had tears flowing down my cheeks, my mind had gone back to those times my mother would beat me right up until I was a Teenager.  I never did understand, I still don’t why I was so evil why was I wicked, how could a small child be evil or wicked.  I was back there how could I ever forget that bamboo cane of my mother’s or the sound of it.  She was very clever she would never beat me where it could be seen, I still have scars albeit faint now, but the scars are there on my lower back.  I often think she caused some of the damage to my back, I had been born with a curvature of the spine.  She had that cane in her bedroom to her death.  My Sons snapped it into pieces.

We can try and forget bad times in the past, but indeed there are times when those awful painful memories comes back to haunt us.  A very famous person I admire once said “the physical scars heal but the mental scars are always there”, they are indeed deep down in our minds waiting to appear again, as mine did last night.

























This is the haunting episode of “Endeavour” that took me back to my past last night.  Young Endeavour played by Shaun Evans and Fred Thursday played by Roger Allam.












10 thoughts on “THE PAST STILL HAUNTS ME

    1. Did that years ago Opher, yes it helped made me remember so much I had locked away. I loved my Mother then when Daddy died she changed the real her came through and I realized my life was nothing but a lie. It was not just the beatings it was the fact she hated me, why? I was evil, wicked in her eyes, a small child, why? Mental scars won’t ever heal, those dark memories will come back again and again. Death will be peace I believe.


  1. Morning, Anna… It’s not the physical and mental scars that are the biggest problem. It’s the WORDS she used with you. They left scars all over your soul. Going to come back and watch this episode after I “put his lordship down for a nap!”

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    1. Yes you are right Cheryl, no matter how hard I try to forget I can’t. I do hope you enjoy “Endeavour”, have you ever seen “Morse” on tv in the US, superb, as this is. How is Arn he has been through a lot as have you, please pass on my best wishes. Had quite a few problems myself, thats why I have been distant on here etc. Lived with the phone for a week, waiting for a Result, which we three dreaded in a way.

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  2. I finally got a chance to watch this. It took me the whole movie to figure out who the actor was that told the story near the end. He’s the actor who played Prince Charlie in Outlander. I recognized the lisp. It was a good mystery. But what happened in the next episode to the police officer whom they framed?

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    1. Thursday that they framed and shot, was off work for sometime, they also framed young Endeavour Morse, who was last seen in prison. The Police investigated the Police, something they still try and do in this Country, which is so wrong. Anyhow they all got away with shooting Thursday and putting Endeavour in Prison, the whole investigation of physical and mental abuse/the raping of the children was whitewashed, the masons saw to that, and after some time Thursday returned to work and Endeavour was let out of prison, but he wanted to resign from the police. Thursday eventually persuaded him not to resign, and Endeavour carried on.

      I have found the trailer of the return episode, but don’t know how to put it on here, shall ask and see if I can do that for you. What did you think of the drama, I am sure you would love “Morse” thats Endeavour when he is older. The chap you refer to in Outlander was that Shaun Evans who played Endeavour?

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      1. No. It was Andrew Gower who played Nicholas Meyers. He was the guy in the ad office who met the police officer at the bar and told him the story but wouldn’t go with him. I did enjoy it very much, though I confess I had a hard time understanding some of the dialog. The sound was kind of poor on my laptop.

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      2. I know who you mean now, he was little Pete. Well Peter just left in the last episode I saw of “Endeavour”, he met an American girl who was taking a degree at Oxford, she became pregnant and they were going to get married and go back to her home in Wyoming. I have to listen very carefully to Endeavour, the sound is not too good, I am deaf on the left side anyway. Have you ever watched “Longmire” with Robert Taylor, I love it and actually recommended it to Jonathan he is a great fan of it now.

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