It is strange how the Past can come back to haunt you at the most unexpected times. We try so hard to forget bad times in our pasts, not always successfully, but we do try.
Last night full of aches and pains I so looked forward to going to my bedroom and sitting down and looking at the tv, in particular one programme. Here in Britain the name and the programme is well known, it may not be known elsewhere, but anyhow I thought lovely I can snuggle into my chair feet up, all quiet and I can watch “Endeavour”.
Now “Endeavour” is about a young Detective at Cowley Police Station in Oxfordshire, England. If anyone fell in love with the tv series “Morse” this is the younger Morse. The original programme “Morse” was absolutely brilliant with the late John Thaw, there was not one episode I missed and I have the Box Set of all the “Morse” they made. “Endeavour” was the Christian name of Morse, but Morse never used it. Shaun Evans plays the young Morse and his Boss or Governor Fred Thursday is played by the well known Actor Roger Allam, Anton Lesser is also in the cast.
As I was so engrossed into this episode of “Endeavour” which was so wonderful brilliant acting by all involved and the story, well wow. It was about the story of a group of then young boys and two young girls, an Orphanage come reformed home and yes you’ve guessed right not just physical abuse on the children by all the adults including a Doctor and senior Police Officers all Masons, but sexual abuse on the children, Rape should I say..
Whilst watching one harrowing scene of a very young boy made to stand in front of these three male adults, the head of the home, senior Police Officer and one Detective officer. The little boy stood in front of them, wet himself with fear and I thought I cant look at the next scene, expecting rape. What I expected to happen did not happen.
Instead, all of a sudden the little boy was bent over a chair and “swoosh swoosh” the sound of a bamboo cane and then I saw the cane coming down towards the child. I was back in the bedroom I shared with my older sister in Ilford in Essex, I was about 3 maybe 4 years of age, one of my earliest memories, I was in the corner between a cupboard and a wardrobe, my arm was held back and I was told I was wicked, evil and this terrible terrible pain on my skin this burning pain on my lower back/bottom and the back of my thighs. “Swoosh, swoosh” that sound of the cane.
I couldn’t see the tv I had tears flowing down my cheeks, my mind had gone back to those times my mother would beat me right up until I was a Teenager. I never did understand, I still don’t why I was so evil why was I wicked, how could a small child be evil or wicked. I was back there how could I ever forget that bamboo cane of my mother’s or the sound of it. She was very clever she would never beat me where it could be seen, I still have scars albeit faint now, but the scars are there on my lower back. I often think she caused some of the damage to my back, I had been born with a curvature of the spine. She had that cane in her bedroom to her death. My Sons snapped it into pieces.
We can try and forget bad times in the past, but indeed there are times when those awful painful memories comes back to haunt us. A very famous person I admire once said “the physical scars heal but the mental scars are always there”, they are indeed deep down in our minds waiting to appear again, as mine did last night.
This is the haunting episode of “Endeavour” that took me back to my past last night. Young Endeavour played by Shaun Evans and Fred Thursday played by Roger Allam.